There's a Worm in my...MCAT Score?

God may allow His servant to succeed when He has disciplined him to a point where he does not need to succeed to be happy. The man who is elated by success and is cast down by failure is still a carnal man. At best his fruit will have a worm in it.

-A.W. Tozer

I came to college with the attitude that my presence at UNC was all my own doing.  After all, I was the one who did the studying, took the tests, and wrote the essays, right? There was also a causal relationship between the number of A's on my transcript and the degree to which I felt fulfilled or satisfied with my life. 

This mentality was definitely shattered in my first year at Carolina.  The second semester of freshman year, in my mind, was a disaster.  I tried to blame my grades on outside circumstances: I hadn't adjusted to college life and academics, I had a distracting roommate ordeal, etc.  Looking back, however, I truly believe it was God who took away those A's that I so desperately wanted.  And rightly so, for they were distracting his daughter from love that truly satisfies. 

I was basically trading the unconditional, infinite, and pure love of the Lord for the rotten, temporary satisfaction of the letter A on a piece of paper.  I believe A.W. Tozer is right, that at best, my fruit always had a worm in it.  Even when I did receive those good grades  and achieve relative success, this success was overshadowed by the fact that my work was not done in Christ.  I sought success to glorify myself and not to glorify the One who made me and gave me a brain to learn in the first place.

Hosea 2:5-8 seems to be speaking directly to me:

She said, I will go after my lovers, who give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink. Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.' She has not acknowledged that I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her the silver and gold -- which they used for Baal.

The interesting thing about my grades is that once I stopped obsessing over them and began fixing my eyes whole-heartedly on the Lord, he began to redeem those grades.  Once I acknowledged that neither an A nor an F could distract me from Christ's love, he actually started working in that aspect of my life.  Jesus tells us not to worry about our lives (Luke 12:22), that he will take care of us, but do we really believe this?  He tells us, "Do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it.  For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them.  But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well" (Luke 12:29-31).

This summer I began studying for the MCAT, but because of my history with worshiping academics as an idol, I have even in the past month been tempted to believe that my admission to medical school depends solely on how hard I work and what I can do but not at all on God. It is so easy to set my heart again on the grades and the numbers, and not on the One who has already made a plan for my life.

How freeing it is to know that if this is God's will for me, all I need to do is continue pursuing him with all I've got!  Of course God wants me to study too, but if my heart's loyalties remain with the Lord, he has me set for eternity!